i know the touch pad was equipped to the laptop for a purpose (an important one, especially in the absence of a mouse), but sometimes i wish i could just decouple it from the system and throw it hard to the nearest wall.  the other day i was typing an entry here at tabulas, wanting to tell everyone of the week that passed and my plans for the weekend.  and just when i was about to hit the "post entry" button, my thumb accidentally drifted south and slightly hit (emphasis on slightly) the touch pad and poof, it was like i hit the 'back' button of my browser.  i was taken back to the previous page that i visited (tabulas login page) and when i came back to the add entry page, the 6-paragraph-with-approximately-8-lines-each journal was gone forever.  and of course, all motivation in trying to retype all of it again was lost together with the entry.

even before, i remember bernard would deactivate the touch pad when i'm about to use his laptop.  he knows how pissed off i am with the "side effects" of this pesky piece of hardware.  hail the usb optical mouse!

(argh, there's a long, irritating sound echoing from outside the window.  like a train that stopped in front of our house or *knock on wood* a driver suddenly passed out and had his head lodged on his steering wheel's horn button/trigger).

it's monday again tomorrow.  i'm not complaining, but i just want to say it's another grueling week ahead.  parang bago pa lang akong nagu-unwind, lunes na naman. 

my friends would seldom hear this from me, but for the record, i'm tired.

work at the office is pressing, to say the least.  one of my major projects is coming to a close, and another one is about to kickoff.  imagine preparing all the project-end reports while making all the necessary preparations for a launch; that with two other side projects and two training series.  i don't want to disappoint my superiors and my colleagues.  some of my friends would tell me that i don't have to kill myself with work.  but they don't understand the fact that it's my go-or-no-go probation for full-time employment in p&g.  i must admit, p&g has a very competitive (sometimes stressful) atmosphere, but i would really want to make it inside for some personal reasons, (1) i thrive on pressure and competition, one thing that p&g is also very passionate about, (2) i already got well too acquainted with the system and atmosphere, (3) i already established close friendships and connections with its people, and (4) benefits-wise, p&g would allow me to jumpstart my future.

thesis.  one word that college students would like to erase in any vocabulary.  and similar to anyone else, it kills me and my thesismates physically, mentally, and financially (mind you, our prototype would cost the five of us no less than 200,000 pesos).  sometimes it leaves me to doubt about its purpose.  there's this one-year ojt that we're having and i bet our respective superiors could say that we're ready enough for the corporate world.  so what's the point in making a hundreds-of-thousand-pesos worth of prototype which the department would scrap and junk after two trimesters of displaying it in a machine shop whose average visitors per month would not exceed 100 (including the students who have to go by the shop by academic necessity)?  i know, my rantings would not change anything.  burn, jc, garrick, and jonaths, let's meet again this week ayt?  we need to purchase a sandblaster - urgent.

leadership trainings.  i was asked by my dear alma mater, paco catholic school, to be the trainor and youth minister of its young leaders.  i simply can't say no, i myself benefited a lot from the school with regards to my leadership skills.  i started giving trainings last saturday, and will do the same for the next few saturdays or so.  new audience every saturday and that means new modules per weekend.  some activities would work for elementary students, but would not for high school studs. 

ojt at day, work at night, ministry at weekends.  good thing i was blessed with a family and a girlfriend whose respective understandings were simply unparalleled.  i make sure that i spend quality time with them per week, but i know they would have wanted more, and yet they never said anything.  i promise i'll make up with them, i just need to do this.  they know i have to do this.  i have to nearly-kill myself to establish a good position in the corporate world equipped with outstanding benefits.  for my family, it would mean an improved lifestyle for us, for my future family, and for the future nabos generations.  for my girlfriend, it would mean the life that she was used to, the life she rightfully deserves.

i'm no materialistic type of person.  i'm contented with life's simple joys.  it's just that i love my family and my girlfriend that much that i would want a good, comfortable life for them in the weeks, months, and years to come.

i'm careful enough not to hit the touchpad this time. 

rafael and roxanne: july 15 babies, belated happy birthday!

Currently listening to: daniel powter - bad day
Currently reading: paulo coelho - the fifth mountain
Currently feeling: tired

a friend of mine sent me the following text-slash-quote message a couple of days ago.  i think it's worth pondering:

we grow old and suddenly we want to hurry things.  don't commit when you're not ready.  don't keep others waiting endlessly.  to fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.  don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.  to keep yourself warm, buy a jacket.  in the long run, it will be less complicated and less costly.  take care of yourself.  don't wait for someone to take care of you.  no one completes you - except you.

don't commit when you're not ready.  when can you say that you're truly ready?  why are there people who thought they were ready then things go blowing up their face and catches them unprepared with things they thought they were ready of?  or why are there people who thinks they aren't ready and yet they are the ones who could make relationships - and all other things that come with it - last?

Currently listening to: kaskade - it's you it's me
Currently watching: csi miami season 3 - one night stand
Currently feeling: working

i don't do my best.  i do whatever it takes.

i am not the type of person who'd tell you, "i'll do my best".  that line is for losers.  same as those who say "beauty is in the inside".  that line is nothing but a feel-good cover-up for ugly people.

many times i saw people losing battles, losing oppotunities, losing chances.  and all they say at the end is, "at least, i did my best".  whenever i hear this, i can't help but be irritated.  i wish i could tell these people, "you gave your best and you still fell short of what you want.  what makes of you?"

i don't do my best.  i do whatever it takes.

i know my best will be more than enough for most of the time, but not all the time.  that's why i don't just do my best.  but rather, i challenge my best.  when i want something, i'll do whatever it takes to get it, the right way.  even if it means crossing my limits.  there will never be a point in time that i'll achieve my "best".  being the best is not a destination; it's an endless journey of continuous improvement. 

same way, it's a battle.  a battle waged not against other people.  but against yourself.  your very own self.

i'll let you say what you want to say.  but when i say i will succeed, i damn really will.  because what i like best is being able to do the things that you people say i cannot.

Currently listening to: top suzara - sabihin mo na
Currently feeling: angry

i'm twenty-one.

it's alright, i'm okay.
i think god can explain.

Currently listening to: splender - i think god can explain
Currently feeling: thankful

just a while ago, i received a textquote from a high school peer, lyanne (hi lyanne!).  it went like this:

life is so short for drama and petty problems.  so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly.  life is too short to be anything but happy.

nice quote, i told myself.  that is, except for one line. 

forgive quickly.  i must admit, there are times when i ask myself if i already have forgiven the people in my recent past who disgraced me intentionally.  in butch walker's words, they're the people who thought they're the only one that mattered.  and there's this itch inside me to put them in their place.  those who may read this may say, "si ryx kung magsalita, akala mo kung sino".  i don't care.  i could say that because i intend neither to threat nor to impress.  i could say that because i know what i can do.  and in my lonesome, i can let them realize who they really are.  my revenge is sweet and swift.  my peers could testify to that.

however, i also told myself that i already forgave these people.  but did i say that because i already did?  or because i immediately forgave them per se for peace of mind's sake?  or perhaps the question might not be, have i already forgiven them?  but rather, have i already forgiven myself, for allowing their ego to boost because instead of reacting properly and justly to their antics, i just sheepishly said that i forgave them?

on second thought, what good will it do to take my vengeance now?  i remember a line said by himura kenshin, my favorite anime character:

being strong is different from being right.  not because we won the battle, it already means that we have the right beliefs, convictions.  it isn't like that.

so, even if i take my vengeance now, would that really mean that i did the right thing?  will i really be able to prevent these people from doing the same things to other people?  will i really acquire peace of mind? 

saying goes, the end does not justify the means.  oh well, i'm putting off these thoughts for now.  let's just see what will happen in the future.  perhaps i'll have a clearer vision.

Currently listening to: 7 sharp 9 - movies
Currently feeling: stressed